Bicyclists

A Totally Unbiased View

Upon the roads of the greater Boston area, bicycling is becoming increasingly popular. As someone who often commutes by bicycle, I have come to recognize that my fellow two-wheeled denizens of the asphalt can be divided by type. Each type of bicyclist has a set of common characteristics.

Exposure to Boston traffic for an hour or two per day is a sobering experience, but there is nothing like actual contact with a greater power to humble a person. Bicyclists who have done a shoulder-roll across the hood of a Buick or crash-tested a helmet on the door of a Mercedes have learned respect for the steel behemoths that rule the streets. Because of daily immersion in traffic, Bicycle Commuters tend to exhibit the most road-courtesy of all bicyclists.

Commuting bicycles vary in style and configuration. Some riders prefer sleek road bikes with drop handlebars and narrow tires, and others favor knobby-tired mountain bikes with cantilever brakes and heavy frames. Most of them use panniers or a backpack to carry work clothes. Most have luggage racks, and a few have fenders.

Fenders, however, are a kind of blasphemy, and fly in the face of all that is holy in the realm of two-wheeled, un-motored travel. They rattle. They also add weight. But even more repugnant than a bicycle with fenders is the state of being passed by someone riding a bicycle with fenders. Self-respecting cyclists increase their speed to prevent a bicycle with fenders from passing them. Fortunately, because fenders rattle, the normal cyclist is forewarned of the approaching fender-equipped bicycle in plenty of time, and because of the aforementioned added weight, outrunning fender-equipped bicycles is relatively easy.

Recreational Bicyclists are like potholes or broken glass; they are obstacles to avoid. They have the mistaken impression that they are alone on the road, and are likely to veer in any direction at any time. When the Bicycle Commuter tries to pass, the recreational cyclist increases their speed. When the Bicycle Commuter falls in behind, the recreational cyclist slows down. If Recreational Bicyclists cycle together, they ride side by side, creating an obstacle for pedestrians, motorists, animals, birds, other cyclists, and the general public. A favorite trick of the Recreational Bicyclist is to stop suddenly for no reason. They are a menace, and their bicycles should be confiscated.

Akin to Recreational Bicyclists are Mentally Deficient Cyclists (MDC). They usually wear blue jeans that restrict leg movement, and their unzipped jackets catch air like a sail, increasing the effort they must expend to keep them in motion. MDC often wear black or dark blue clothing, eschew the use of safety lights, and ride in traffic at night without wearing a helmet. Bicycle Commuters do not worry about MDC, because they believe in Darwin's theory of natural selection.

MDC typically ride bicycles made in places like Korea or Guam, with brand names like "Terminator", or "Avenger". Inevitably something is rattling, jingling, or dragging. The bikes are often painted in vivid colors, like magenta and fluorescent green, although black is also popular. Frequently the tires are of different sizes, and the back wheel is often slightly bent so that it hops up and down as it rolls down the street.

The opposite of a MDC is a Serious Bicyclist. Serious Bicyclists ride bicycles that cost between twelve hundred and thirty-five hundred dollars. They wear seventy-five dollar jerseys. Their leg muscles bulge through the silky sheath of their hundred-dollar tights. Their shoes cost two hundred dollars. They carry only a small seat bag for their tool set, which includes a state-of-the-art carbon dioxide tire inflation cartridge. They use a handlebar-mounted cycling computer to track their performance. On the two wheels of their vehicle rides as much money as on the four wheels of many cars. Monetarily speaking, a Serious Bicyclist is worth seven or eight Bicycle Commuters.

Serious bicycles are constructed from ultra-lightweight exotic materials like carbon fiber, and are equipped with only the best components. However, here subgroups emerge with divergent tastes. Some Serious Bicyclists prefer 'classic' components, while others prefer state-of-the-art components. A sure sign of state-of-the-art preferences is a bizarre handlebar configuration that allows Serious Bicyclists to contort themselves into various aerodynamic shapes.

A Bicycle Commuter has no opportunity to keep pace with a Serious Bicyclist. Serious Bicyclists may offer a condescending, "Hi," as they streak past while climbing a fifteen percent grade. The commuter may gasp, "Hi," back at them, but they are already gone, disappearing over the crest of the hill as though they had wings, while the commuter sweats like a demoralized old geezer, straining skinny legs to climb the slope with twenty pounds of clothes and gear. Serious Bicyclists are chauvinistic bastards who look down on Bicycle Commuters, and should be relegated to riding in exclusive areas for an exorbitant membership fee, the proceeds of which should be used to fix the roads for cyclists who actually have somewhere to go.

Bicycle Commuters who may think that they are tough because they commute twelve miles through freezing rain should compare themselves with Bicycle Messengers. These strange, body-pierced, tattooed cyclists wear mid-calf length trousers in zero-degree weather. They bike through blizzards with twenty-pound courier bags slung over their shoulders, one hand manipulating the talk/listen button on their two-way radio. A broken bone is a minor inconvenience. In a race between a car and a Bicycle Messenger from Chestnut Hill to downtown Boston at rush hour, it is likely the Bicycle Messenger would win. They are street-hardened veterans who ride hard for pay.

A messenger's bicycle is usually a distillation of what was once a serious bicycle. Like a track racer, instead of the original twenty-four speeds standard on most serious bicycles, the messenger's bicycle has one speed; rims are upgraded to ultra-light, ultra-narrow road rims built for speed, endurance, and agility; and quick-release hubs are exchanged for wrench-applied hubs that inhibit wheel theft and reduce weight. Components, such as brakes and handlebars, are simple in design, light in weight and high in quality. In motion or at rest, the resultant vehicle looks like a cheetah: lean, fast, and predatory.

Unfortunately, many Bicycle Messengers suffer from a terminal lack of road manners. Because they make their living by getting as quickly as possible from point "A" to point "B", anything or anyone that stands between a Bicycle Messenger and point "B" is automatically reduced to the status of obstacle. Their cycling power enhanced by controlled substances, they miss pedestrians by inches as they dart and weave through congested intersections. They care nothing about whether people are frightened, or whether aging Bicycle Commuters might be knocked off their bicycles. Traffic lights, crosswalks, pedestrians, baby carriages and other vehicles are meaningless to Bicycle Messengers. Through their thoughtlessness, the always-fragile relationship between cyclist and motorist is damaged, and the roads are made more dangerous for all.

A relative newcomer to the street bicycle scene is the Stunt Cyclist. These acrobats bike up walls and down stairs, as well as along the sidewalk or road. As comfortable on one wheel as on two, they may roll along at any angle to the riding surface. Their bicycles have small, twenty-inch wheels. Heavy axle extensions allow the rider to utilize multiple footrests as they change their position on the bike. Stunt Cyclists provide free entertainment for the public as they jump and twirl. They are the circus performers of the street cycling world.

However, certain evidence leads me to believe that Stunt Cyclist may be so genetically enhanced that they are not really human anymore. For example, I believe that Stunt Cyclists wear their baseball caps backwards because their genetically enhanced eyes cannot tolerate being shaded beneath the bill of a cap. Also, the fact that the crotch of their trousers hangs down about their knees leads me to believe that their genitalia are abnormally huge. This theory would also account for the fact that Stunt Cyclists always ride in the standing position.

Since Stunt Cyclists spend much of their time bicycling along the tops of retaining walls, up vertical surfaces, or through the air, interaction between Stunt Cyclists and Bicycle Commuters is minimal. Bicycle Commuters regard Stunt Cyclists as a pleasant and entertaining diversion, glimpsed momentarily between work and home. Stunt Cyclists may be serious about their activity, but I would hesitate to call that activity bicycling.

In conclusion, Recreational Bicyclists are road hazards that should be eliminated; Mentally Deficient Cyclists are already well on their way to gradual extinction; Serious Bicyclists should get a life and leave Bicycle Commuters alone; Bicycle Messengers should take less drugs and learn more manners; and Stunt Cyclists probably need some kind of hormone therapy before they can rejoin society. Bicycle Commuters use no gasoline and produce no air pollution as they travel from home to work and back again. They are safety conscious, and generally courteous to other vehicles and pedestrians. They typically champion good and charitable causes, are conscientious parents and spouses, and are good workers. In fact, they are wonderful people in every way. Society should reward Bicycle Commuters with the best seats at restaurants, the best, highest-paying jobs, the most prestigious positions in every organization, and the most powerful political posts. It is only fitting and just that this should be so.